Don’t Expect A Thank You: Managing Expectations in Social Work
Managing expectations in social work means accepting that clients won't always be grateful for your help. Expecting appreciation leads to resentment and burnout. Instead, focus on doing what's right regardless of the response you receive. This mindset shift is essential for long-term career satisfaction in social work.
Cherilynn Veland is a clinical social worker licensed through the State of Illinois to provide counseling for individuals, couples, and families. She has more than two decades of experience in areas including in-patient psychiatry, child welfare, domestic violence and sexual assault, and substance abuse treatment. She currently runs her own private practice called Lincoln Park Counseling and agreed to share some of her most memorable professional experiences with us. Follow Cherilynn on Twitter and Facebook.
Editorial Note: This article features expert opinion and commentary from Cherilynn Veland, LCSW, an authority in clinical social work and professional development. The views expressed represent her professional insights based on more than two decades of lived experience in social work practice. This content is intended for educational purposes and does not constitute professional social work or mental health counseling advice.
When I was fresh out of graduate school, I expected my clients to appreciate what I did to help them. That's right. I wanted them to be grateful and appreciate what I did to improve their lives. Uh oh…T-R-O-U-B-L-E!
The first sign that I might have expected too much came while I was working at a battered women's shelter in Alabama. Most of the women sent there were trying desperately to empower themselves and improve their lives. However, there were a few women who came into the shelter, and instead of grabbing onto their opportunities and being appreciative, they were hostile and critical.
Learning to manage expectations in social work became the most important lesson of my career.
Table of Contents
My Wake-Up Call at the Battered Women's Shelter
I remember one client, let's call her Penelope. She was a resident of the shelter and would do things like open up the shelter freezer filled with frozen meats of every kind.
"No steaks?" she would demand. "What kind of place is this anyway?" she would yell before slamming the freezer door shut.
"She's homeless, and she's annoyed because she can't have steak?" I would think. "I don't have steak because I am a student and on a tight budget. The nerve!" I would think to myself.
Penelope constantly acted entitled and berated the staff. One thing after another was met with hostility. "A curfew?!" she would yell at me, "You are worse than my batterer husband with the rules around here!"
To say she got to me is to put it lightly. Instead of her appreciation, I was getting derision and disgust. We (as in the agency) weren't doing enough to help her. And we certainly weren't doing it in the way she thought she should be helped. Also, Penelope seemed well-versed in the welfare system and would give other people advice at the shelter on how to exploit it.
Clearly, there was a ton of transference, projection, and displacement of feelings going on with Penelope. She also had chronic deep-rooted personality issues afloat. However, my agitation was revealing things to me about myself.
The Questions I Had to Ask Myself
My encounter with Penelope forced me to confront some uncomfortable truths about my own motivations and expectations. I found myself asking three critical questions:
What Were My Own Expectations About What People Deserved?
I had to examine my underlying beliefs about worthiness. Was I subconsciously deciding that some people deserved help more than others based on their attitude or appreciation? This realization was uncomfortable because it revealed a judgment I didn't want to admit I was making.
If Clients Were Entitled, Unappreciative, or Attempting to "Use" the System, Were They Any Less Deserving?
This question cut to the heart of social work ethics. The woman who yelled at me about steaks was still a victim of domestic violence. Her hostile attitude didn't change the fact that she needed safety and support. My job wasn't to help only the grateful clients. It was to help everyone who needed it.
What About All That Discomfort I Was Feeling? What Did That Say About Me? Quid Pro Quo?
This was the most challenging question to face. If I were feeling resentful about not being appreciated, it meant I was keeping score. I was expecting something in return for my work, whether I consciously realized it or not. That expectation was setting me up for constant disappointment and eventual burnout.
Why Expecting Gratitude Leads to Burnout
At the time, I don't think I was expecting that all of my clients were going to jump for joy and give me hugs as a thank you. But, there must have been some part of me that really wanted her to appreciate all that she was being given and all that was being done for her.
I figured out that these expectations were not helpful. I thought more about my belief that no one person has any more right to receive help than others. I realized I had to rid myself of that expectation and not place value on receiving appreciation while providing services. I needed to kill that expectation and focus on mutual respect and doing my best when entering into the client/service relationship.
The connection between unrealistic expectations and professional burnout in social work is well-documented. When we enter the field expecting gratitude, appreciation, or even basic acknowledgment from clients, we're setting ourselves up for constant disappointment. Clients are often in crisis, dealing with trauma, or struggling with mental health issues that make expressing gratitude difficult or impossible.
According to research on helping professionals, social workers who base their job satisfaction on client outcomes and appreciation report significantly higher rates of compassion fatigue and burnout. The resentment builds gradually. First, you feel frustrated with one difficult client. Then another. Soon, you're questioning why you entered the field at all.
The "burnout road" in social work is paved with unmet expectations. Many talented, caring social workers leave the profession not because they stop caring about clients, but because they're exhausted from the emotional toll of feeling unappreciated. The irony is that by letting go of the expectation of gratitude, you actually become better equipped to handle the genuine challenges of the work.
The Philosophy That Changed My Career
To me, this is where one of the fundamental challenges of social work begins. You don't do it just because of the gratitude or appreciation you will get in return. You do it because you believe that it is the right thing to do. No one person deserves your hard work any more than any other. Furthermore, service for others cannot be done well with the expectation of thanks or appreciation at the end. That is a surefire way to increase one's resentment. If I kept up that line of thinking, it wouldn't have been long before I would have hit the burnout road, skidding until I had to stop where many worthy social workers go to rest.
I am a big fan of The Paradoxical Commandments, and if you read them, it may help shed some light on my philosophy.
The Paradoxical Commandments were written by Kent M. Keith when he was a college student in the 1960s. They offer a framework for doing good work regardless of how others respond. The commandments include principles like "People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered. Love them anyway" and "If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives. Do good anyway."
These principles resonate deeply with social work. Our clients will sometimes be illogical. They'll be unreasonable. They might accuse us of having ulterior motives or not doing enough. The Paradoxical Commandments remind us that none of that matters. We do the work anyway, not because of the response we'll get, but because it's the right thing to do.
This philosophy shifted everything for me. It turned the focus from external validation to my internal values and professional ethics. The work became about living up to my own standards, not about earning approval from clients who were often too overwhelmed by their own struggles to offer it.
Dealing with "Difficult" Clients Throughout My Career
I ran into more than a few "Penelope" like people in all of my placements. However, my changed expectations helped me detach from their attitudes. Interestingly, it is probably because of this philosophy that I have accumulated more than a few heartfelt thanks during my career, along with some great cards and notes of appreciation. These are a big bonus. I keep them in a box, and I take them out every once in a while. They do make me smile.
Over two decades in social work, I've noticed patterns in how clients respond to help. Some are immediately grateful. Many are neutral. Some are hostile. The hostile ones aren't bad people. They're usually the ones in the most pain, with the deepest trust issues, or the most traumatic histories. Their hostility is often a protective mechanism.
The key is learning to detach from their attitudes without detaching from your commitment to help them. This isn't the same as not caring. It's about maintaining professional boundaries that protect your emotional well-being while still providing excellent care. You can care deeply about a client's well-being without needing them to like you or thank you.
When gratitude does come, and it does more often than you might expect once you stop looking for it, it's genuinely meaningful. Those cards and notes I mentioned? They mean more to me precisely because I wasn't expecting them. They're bonuses, not the goal. That shift in perspective makes all the difference between sustainable social work practice and the exhausting pursuit of validation that leads so many good social workers out of the field.
Frequently Asked Questions
Why shouldn't social workers expect gratitude from clients?
Clients are often in crisis, dealing with trauma, or struggling with conditions that make expressing appreciation difficult. Expecting gratitude sets you up for disappointment and resentment, which leads to burnout. The work must be motivated by professional ethics and the intrinsic value of helping others, not by the response you receive.
How do I deal with hostile or entitled clients?
Remember that hostility is often a trauma response or protective mechanism. Focus on maintaining professional boundaries while continuing to provide quality care. Understanding concepts like transference and projection helps you not take their behavior personally. It's about them and their pain, not about you.
What should motivate me if not appreciation from clients?
Your motivation should come from believing that helping others is the right thing to do, your professional commitment to social work ethics, and living up to your own standards of care. Find meaning in the work itself rather than in external validation from clients.
Is it wrong to feel hurt when clients aren't grateful?
It's natural to feel disappointed or hurt. The key is not letting those feelings drive your behavior or determine your job satisfaction. Acknowledge the feeling, process it with a supervisor or peer support, but don't let it change how you serve clients or make you question your career choice.
How can I avoid burnout if I can't expect appreciation?
Build peer support networks with other social workers who understand the challenges. Practice regular self-care and maintain clear boundaries between work and personal life. Find satisfaction in meeting your own professional standards rather than in client responses. Remember that doing the right thing is its own reward.
Key Takeaways
- Expecting gratitude from clients is a setup for disappointment and resentment in social work careers.
- Clients in crisis often respond with hostility rather than appreciation, regardless of the quality of help they receive
- The real challenge of social work is doing what's right because you believe it's right, not for external validation.n
- Managing expectations prevents burnout and allows for long-term career satisfaction in helping professions.
- When appreciation does come, treat it as a bonus rather than the goal of your work.k
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Note: The names, identities, and descriptions of the people in this story have been altered and fictionalized to provide anonymity.
